Topics Covered This Week

• What exactly is a mid life crisis?
• Does it exist? If it does what do I need to do to survive it?
• It’s OK not to be OK
• It can be the first time when we can sit back and see your life as it is
• More than half your life is ahead of you
• Take action
• Get fit
• Shift direction
• Don’t worry
• Opportunity
• Be optimistic
• Shift your mindset
• Embrace new things
• Leave things behind
• Plan new adventures

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https://midlifeisntacrisis.libsyn.com/website

Read about Elliott Jaques who coined ‘midlife crisis’

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Transcript:

Christie Adams here on episode six of Midlife Isn’t A Crisis podcast. I’m recording this on Monday the 21st of September, we’re still in 2020.

Today I just want to cover something which you might think is quite funny with the podcast being called Midlife Isn’t A Crisis cause I want to discuss what exactly is a midlife crisis. Does it even exist? 

And if it does, what do you do to survive and thrive through it? 

The first disclaimer is that I’m not a psychologist. I’m not a psychiatrist. 

Please, please, please, if you’re struggling, reach out, reach out to someone. There is always someone to help. Okay? 

I just want to give a little bit of an intro as to what I’ve done this week, because I’ve changed my morning routine. 

I’m now a 5:00 AM person. 

I’m doing daily word counts as well on my writing, which I’ve always meant to do, and I always tell people to do aswell. I’m a bit slack myself so I’ve started implementing those. I’ve done a lot less social media this week and I’ve definitely felt better for it, don’t worry if that’s something that you feel you need to do because it is possible. 

And I’ve been to the doctor surgery, which was a bit of a strange environment. 

We’re in the UK, in the middle of the COVID dilemma’s we’re not in lockdown anymore, but it’s definitely wear your mask and be safe. 

You’re only allowed in groups of six, things like that.

The doctor surgery was a little bit sobering. It was a reminder that all the media is actually there for a really good reason to keep people safe. 

I hope you’re well, and I hope your family are. I hope you’re looking after yourself. 

I just wanted to say that really, it meant something. 

This is a bit of a history lesson and a bit of a lighthearted talk about midlife crises. So let’s dive in. 

In the 14th century. Can you believe it? Dante wrote The Divine Comedy. It’s actually on my bookcase downstairs for me to read the whole thing. At some point you’ve probably seen films and books based on it or quoting it. 

You may have even read it. Congratulations, if you have, because it’s a big book.

In the 14th century, I’ll read a quote from him:

‘Midway upon the journey of our life. I found myself within a forest dark for the straightforward pathway has been lost.’

He was 35 when he wrote that and people have interpreted that as his midlife dilemma. 

Then in the 1950s, 1960s, we got the wording ‘midlife crisis’ from a Canadian called Elliot Jacques in a meeting apparently of the British Psychoanalytical Society. No doubt in a society have been met with derision and applause, but that was where the wording came from. So we’ve got Mr Elliot Jacques to blame for the crisis wording. 

Whether it’s real to psychologists or not, like I say, I’m not a psychologist, I do study psychology. I do feel that labels and boxes whilst necessary can be quite dangerous really, and quite annoying. Like the age thing, you know, you’re at a certain age, therefore you’ve got to act this way and it drives me crazy as you well know that we shouldn’t be put in boxes or categorised by age at all. 

If you think about it, every age in your life has some sort of stereotype attached to it, and some form of expected behaviours that people expect you to behave a certain way because you’re a certain age. 

You know, when you get to be a teenage boy, it’s man up and stop crying, which I think is ridiculous, and gladly that is breaking down. 

When a woman’s at a certain age, she’ll get the, is it not about time you had kids, which is a horrible pressure to put on anybody. They may or may not want them when they get older. 

It’s aren’t you past that by now, shouldn’t you be more mature by your age? Are you too old to do that? 

There’s always an element of judgment and expectation around a certain age, and because we’ve often been brought up with that. Things are changing slowly, but they are changing and just know that it’s okay if you feel off and if it is a midlife crisis and you want to categorise it that way, that’s fine. 

But don’t think that you have to conform to a specific type. 

You don’t have to go out and buy the motorbike or the flash sports car. If that’s not what you want. 

I’m going to go through a few things that I feel hit you at midlife, or can affect you at midlife. 

It might just help you a little bit in sort of assessing where you are and what you want to do with your life. All the way through this, be honest with yourself. It’s not something that is going to be the same as everybody else don’t have to conform. 

I’m a big non-conformist. I don’t like conformity, although I know that in society it’s necessary. Don’t worry about that, but all the way through what I’m suggesting, be honest with yourself. 

First of all, it’s not new unique. It’s not scary. It’s okay. 

If Dante thought about it in the 14th century, we’ve managed to survive to this day and will survive a bit longer, so don’t worry about that. 

Don’t feel that you have to sit in the box that people want to put you in because you don’t.

It might be a time in your life where for the first time you actually have time and the luxury of potentially a little bit more security to sit back and think actually, is this what I want to be doing? 

It might be that you’ve got children and they’re getting a little bit older now. It’s freeing you up to think about your future and think beyond those children. 

It might be that you haven’t got children, and you’re thinking about, ‘if I leave it much longer, will I get any’ cause that can be pressure. I’ve known people, who want children for, what I consider, almost the wrong reasons i.e. to look after them in old age, because at midlife, you start realising that actually death does happen. 

You may have lost someone. 

You may be struggling with bereavement, or you may be seeing elderly parents. 

It might be that you starting to actually notice that your own health might be not as good as you would like to think it should be at that age. And you need to start sort of taking action to take care of yourself more. So it’s a really good time for assessment.

I’m making it sound a bit doom and gloomy, but it certainly isn’t, but I’m just explaining why you might feel a bit out of sorts and a bit bored. 

It might be that you’re in a job where, I know I was, in jobs where you’re just not appreciated. You see younger people come past you and get promoted. And it’s just a time where there are lots of reasons that you can feel a ‘bit off’ for want of a better word. 

It’s hard to explain. 

It’s a really good time for assessment because you’re not halfway through your life yet, if you’re in midlife, or you may be just about halfway. 

That means all the stuff that you’ve achieved and all the stuff you’ve done. You’ve got all those years ahead of you. You’ve got massive opportunity, but you need to start planning for it. 

I think planning is something that puts you back in control. 

I know when I was made redundant and here’s something I’ve talked about frequently within my groups and my community, that redundancy is a time that often happens in midlife. 

It does really knock you sideways. It can be a massive opportunity because it can give you the boot up your bum that you need to change things. So I do believe that planning your way out of redundancy out of midlife crisis is a really good way to go. 

It might mean that you have to leave some things behind. 

You might be more than thrilled to leave a negative influence behind, but it might be somebody that you care for that actually you’ve realised is holding you back and dragging you down.

Things happen, people change times, moving on and emptiness happens at this time. There are so many different changes within your relationships that you might need to make some tough decisions, and don’t be worried about that. 

If you need to do it for your own wellbeing, whether that be physical or mental wellbeing, then you have to do that, but get support. 

Like I say, reach out. If that’s something that you need to do, it might just literally be turning off some of your social media. It might be that simple. So look at your health, look at how you can improve your health. 

It might be that you need to undertake a new exercise regime. It might be just get up earlier and eat a healthy breakfast that you’ve not done before. 

Decide to look after yourself in the next phase of your life. 

Don’t make this a crisis, make this a pivot point that right, ‘I am going to do this for the next…’ however many years. 

Step up, embrace new things mentally and physically. It doesn’t all mean that you have to start running a mile referred or undertaking a degree. Although that’s what I did. 

I didn’t run a marathon I’ve always wanted to. And one day maybe I will. I’m a bit of a challenge freak but I don’t like failing. I never wanted to do a full half a marathon. I’ve always wanted to do it full one. Whether I ever will or not. I doubt it very much, but it’s out there as a possibility one day. 

Take action, get healthy, do it within medical guidelines. 

If you are considering a really big shift in physical activity, and maybe if your weight isn’t ideal, then consider going to a doctors or a medical centre and getting checked before you do it. 

Don’t put yourself at physical harm or physical risk, but step up, it might just be doing yoga stretches in the morning. But step up, look after your physical wellbeing, look after your mental wellbeing. 

Maybe study something new, maybe start reading more or as you well know, I’m a firm believer in everybody writing the story, maybe start writing. 

Use your brain. 

Your mortality is more obvious to you now, and that is possibly why people feel that they’re at a crisis point. I consider it a pivot point that you’ve done what you’ve done. 

You can’t change what’s in the past. I’m always looking forward. 

Try new things. If there’s always something you’ve wanted to do, whether it be play a piano or hike for 10 miles on your own, whatever, it may be, create a plan and start moving towards it. 

It might be a career shift. 

It might be something huge might be a relocation, but start planning for it. It’s not a problem. 

The reason that you possibly bored or possibly frustrated is just because you’re not achieving things that you would like to, and may feel that you’re being held back, but there’s always ways around it. 

If you haven’t got the finances right now, make a plan and work out how you can get that. Whether you need to downsize, whether you need to get a second job or take up a hustle on the side to do something, but make a positive mind shift. 

I think this is the main thing I want to get to really, it’s a mind shift from, 

’Oh, I’ve left it too late.’ ‘I’m too old.’ ‘Oh, life’s passing me by.’ ‘I’m watching all these other people succeed and I’m not,’  

to change that mindset into a, 

‘Oh wow. I’ve got all this experience. This is what I can do next.’ Or, 

‘Oh, I’ve never tried that before. I’m going to try this next.’ 

Try and catch yourself when you’re going into a negative space and bring yourself back. It might be just, I know these are really silly, trivial little points, but if you sat on the sofa and you’re just feeling gloomy and you know, watching TV and just feeling that you should be doing something, get up and do something. 

Even if it’s late at night and you can’t go out for a walk or a hike, write down what you’re going to do the next day. 

Get out your outfit for, you know, set your alarm an hour earlier so you can go for a walk, do something positive, but know that it’s fine. 

If you’re feeling a bit off that’s okay. It’s okay to want to change things. 

People do life changes, we go on huge, big diversions and pivots. 

When people look back, it’s like, ‘Oh wow. I never knew he did that.’ Or 

‘Wow. How did you have the guts to change that?’ 

You can have the guts to change something if that’s what you choose to do. 

So that’s about it really just, don’t worry. You can change things if you want to. 

It’s okay. 

If you don’t feel okay, and there is a way out of it. And I know that this is an opportunity to move forward, be optimistic, look after your health and have a fantastic midlife. 

And later on in life.